Bent
by aussiefan24
Summary: After Carter leaves for Africa Abby is faced with a reality that she isn't sure she can handle alone. Please read and Review. Chapter 3 now posted.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Bent  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own ER. I also do not own the song "Bent".  
  
Summary: After Carter leaves for Africa Abby is faced with a reality that she isn't sure that she can handle alone. (chapter 1/?)  
  
Author's note: This takes place after Carter has already left for Africa. The whole thing with him proposing never happened.  
  
A/n 2: Also, just to warn everybody. I'm a 16 year old with the imagination of a director, and when I dreamed this story the other night I dreamt it in TV format, so that's how I'm going to be writing it. Just pretend you're watching the show. Please review, I need all of the helpful criticism I can get. Thanks...  
  
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(I decided to put this song at the beginning of the story b/c I though that it suited Carter and Abby really well.)  
  
BENT By: Matchbox 20  
  
If I fall along the way Pick me up and dust me off If I get too tired to make it Be my breath so I can walk  
  
If I need some of your love again Give me more than I can stand When my smile gets old and faded Wait around I'll smile again  
  
Shouldn't be so complicated Just hold me and then Just hold me again  
  
Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will live With you and me bent  
  
If I couldn't sleep could you sleep Could you paint me better off Could you sympathize with my needs I know you think I need a lot  
  
I started out clean but I'm jaded Just falling Just breaking my skin  
  
Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will live With you and me bent  
  
Start bending me It's never enough 'Til I feel all your pieces Start bending me Keep bending me until I'm completely broken in  
  
Shouldn't be so complicated Just touch me and then Just touch me again  
  
Can you help me I'm bent I'm so scared that I'll never Get put back together Keep breaking me in And this is how we will live With you and me bent  
  
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Abby sat quietly on the couch, watching the egg timer that was sitting on the coffee table. Four minutes. The apartment was quieter since John had left for Africa, she realized. And also, she wasn't quite sure that it was because John was gone, but time seemed to go by a lot slower now too. Three minutes. She took the small box and nervously tapped it against her knee. She pulled her eyes away from the timer and starred off into space. She closed her eyes tightly, praying. Well, not praying, so much as wishing, hoping. Though, did she really know what she wished for? Yes, she did. She wished that John was home. More than ever. She wished that John was there with her.  
  
Abby was jolted out of her thoughts by the sound of the timer. She took a deep breath and looked toward the direction of the bathroom. Slowly, she got up and walked to the bathroom sink. Taking one more deep breath, she picked up the pregnancy test and looked at it.  
  
She immediately felt tears running down her cheeks. But was she happy? Or sad? She sat down on the side of the bathtub. She didn't know why she was so upset about this. After all, it was what part of her had wanted. But, another part of her, was hoping that the test would say something else. Abby was now in sobs. What did she want? Did she even know? Yes, she did. She wanted John to be home. More than ever. She wanted John to be there with her.  
  
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John couldn't believe that this was happening again. He had only been in Africa for a week and already they had transferred him to 4 different hospitals, and now, at four o'clock in the morning, they had waken him up to transfer him to yet another hospital a couple of hours away. That's how desperately they needed the type of skills that he had. I should see it as a compliment when they wake me up in the middle of the night to ship me off to another town. He tried to tell himself.  
  
Carter and his supervisor road in the back of a small pick-up truck down the dirt road. Suddenly he heard a loud noise and saw flashes of light in the distance.  
  
"What's that?" He asked.  
  
His supervisor turned around to look. "Oh that," he replied, sitting back down. "That's nothing. There's always fighting in that town. Guns. Bombs."  
  
"So than why are we driving that way?" Carter asked.  
  
"That's where the hospital is."  
  
Carter smiled nervously. "Oh."  
  
Great, he thought, just great. He leaned his head back and tried to focus on the stars. Unlike in Chicago, here, you could actually see them.  
  
I wonder how Abby's doin'.  
  
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Pregnant. A word Abby thought that she would never have to deal with again. After she had had an abortion when she was married to Richard she had just told herself that motherhood was not for her. That it would never happen. To just forget about it. And then she met John Carter. And her life did a complete 180. Suddenly she wasn't miserable all of the time. She wanted to be with John. She wanted to marry John. And yes, she even wanted to have a family with John. When did all of that change? When did she start feeling like more of a burden than a person? She knew that her life sucked. She had known that all along. But somehow, with John, all of her problems seemed a lot smaller. More manageable, because she wasn't alone.  
  
But now she was alone. John had left for Africa and she was suddenly faced with the reality of how much she actually needed him, and that scared her to death. If she was this miserable with him only being gone for a week, than what was she going to do when he left for good? What was she going to do when he finally realized what he had gotten himself into and left?  
  
Abby shook her head. No, John wouldn't do that. He's too loving, he's too understanding to do that. He'd stick around. Even if he wanted to go, he'd stick around. Especially, she thought, when he found out that she was carrying his baby.  
  
No, she thought to herself as she reached for the phone and wiped the tears out of her eyes. She loved John. She needed him. But she was not going to rope him into a situation that she knew would eventually destroy him. How could it not destroy him? She had ruined anything and anyone who had gotten close to her. Her mother, Eric, Luka. It was just a matter of time before she did it to Carter too.  
  
"Hello," she said, speaking into the phone, "This is Abby Lockhart, I need to make an appointment with Dr. Shafer.....I need to have a pregnancy terminated...yes, I'll hold....  
  
Tbc  
  
A/N: Okay.I know that it's kinda short, but there's more coming. But tell me what you think so far. Oh.I know that the whole 'Carter in Africa' part may have seemed kind of unnecessary for this chapter, but I felt like it needed to be part of it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Bent  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never will.  
  
Summary: Abby makes a life-changing decision for all the wrong reasons.  
  
A/N: Sorry to leave ya hangin' there at the end of chapter one, but cliffhangers are kind of my thing. Anywho.I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please read and review.  
  
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"Connie, is Abby here yet?" Kerry asked, storming out of the lounge. "She's seven minutes late for her shift and we're out three nurses today."  
  
"She came is about a half-hour ago, but she said she was going up to OB." Connie told her.  
  
"Why'd she go up to OB?" Susan asked as she was looking through a patient's chart.  
  
"Don't know. She didn't say. Just said that she'd be back before her shift started."  
  
"Well somebody go up there and find her, and tell her that if she doesn't get her butt down here right now that she's fired!"  
  
The two of them watched Kerry hobble away. Connie turned to Susan and grinned, "Can you say Menopause?"  
  
Susan laughed and put her chart down. "I'll go up to OB and find Abby. Maybe she's checking up on a patient."  
  
As she headed toward the elevator she tried to remember if they had had any OB cases in the ER lately. She couldn't remember. Suddenly a thought entered Susan's head. Oh my God. She thought. Nah.couldn't be. Could it? Could Abby be pregnant?  
  
When she reached OB Susan went over to the admit desk and said that she was looking for Abby Lockhart.  
  
The receptionist typed something into the computer and then turned back to Susan. "I'm afraid I can't help you."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, Ms. Lockhart had an appointment for this afternoon, but once she got here she told us that she was going to have to cancel."  
  
"Oh.well, thanks anyway."  
  
Susan waited for the woman to turn away before she took a glance at the computer. Abortion? Oh my God. Susan headed for the elevator. She knew that she had to find Abby.  
  
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I chickened out. Abby thought to herself as she laid on her couch. She had gotten all the way to the exam room before freaking out. All of the memories just came flooding back. Memories of the last time. Memories of the pain, the guilt, the disgust, that she had felt. No, she had told herself, this is too big to decide on my own. I'll wait until John gets home. Than we'll go from there.  
  
Abby placed a hand on her stomach. Part of her wanted this so bad. Part of her couldn't wait to tell John. In her mind she imagined telling him and then smiling at the look of pleasant surprise on his face. Then he would wrap her in his arms, kiss her, and tell her how much he love her. That's how it was supposed to happen. That's how she wanted it to happen.  
  
But the 'glass is half empty' part of Abby kept playing out a different scenario in her head. One where she was left alone and scared. Where he whole world came crashing down around her.  
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Abby opened it and was surprised to see Susan standing there with a look of shock and disappointment on her face. And Abby knew that she knew. She invited her in and the two of them sat at the kitchen table in silence. It seemed like an eternity before somebody finally said something.  
  
"Why?" Susan asked her. Not able to make eye-contact.  
  
Why? It was just one word. Just one simple question. So why didn't Abby have a good answer for it? She thought for a minute before answering.  
  
"I don't know." She replied, looking down at the table. They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Abby finally looked up at Susan. "I don't deserve him."  
  
At this, Susan looked up to meet Abby's gaze.  
  
"I don't. And he doesn't deserve all of this. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who is miserable all the time. He doesn't deserve my dysfunctional family. He doesn't deserve any of it."  
  
Susan just starred at her silently.  
  
"I still can't understand why in the hell he's with me in the first place. Why would he want to put up with all of this? Why?"  
  
Susan paused before answering. "Because he loves you."  
  
Abby looked away, trying not to cry. She wanted to ask how a guy like Carter could fall in love with someone like her, but Susan kept talking.  
  
"He's always loved you. I could see it when I first came back from Chicago. Abby, the guy's crazy about you. And you want to know why he sticks by you when you're going through a hard time. Honey, it's called love. Love isn't just about being with each other for all of the good times. It's also about sticking by each other for all of the bad. He's not standing by you out of pity or sympathy. He's standing by you because he loves you. And I don't think you have to worry about him going anywhere. Ever."  
  
Abby wiped the tears away from her eyes and looked over at Susan. She was right. She knew she was right. John loved her. Not just during the good times, but in the bad as well. She smiled at Susan.  
  
"Abby you have nothing to worry about. And nothing to be sad about. I mean, sure, everybody has things in their lives that make them miserable. But you have so much in your life now that's going right. They found your brother's plane, you said that you and your mother got along fine when she came, you have a job, and apartment, food, and to top it all off, an amazing guy who loves you and who is going to be thrilled to find out that you're pregnant."  
  
Abby's smile grew wider. "Thanks Susan. I needed somebody to knock some sense into me."  
  
"All I did was tell you what you already knew."  
  
The two of them sat there for a couple more hours talking about the baby, whether Abby wanted a boy or a girl, baby names. Susan asked when the baby was due.  
  
"I don't know. I haven't had a sonogram yet."  
  
"Well why don't go to the hospital right now and I can do one."  
  
Abby thought for a second. She knew that she should wait for John to be home when they did the first sonogram, but she didn't think she could wait.  
  
"Let's go."  
  
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Carter collapsed onto one of the empty beds at the hospital. What a day it had been. He was sure that he had treated at least a hundred patients that day. They had to clear out all of the building earlier that day because of a bomb scare, which turned out to be nothing. Then, some guy came in wielding a gun and threatening to kill everyone, but he was immediately taken down. Carter laid down and sighed heavily. It's like I never left County.  
  
Just then a man who worked at the hospital came running in yelling for everyone to get out of the building.  
  
Before Carter could even comprehend what was happening, he heard a loud whistling sound that was getting louder and louder, followed by a deafening sound, blinding light, and then.silence.  
  
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"Okay.you are about 5 weeks along." Susan said.  
  
Abby say smiling on the gurney starring at the sonogram. Everything was perfect.  
  
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A/N: evil laugh Don't you just hate it when that happens? Anyway.please review. And, uh.don't hate me. 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Bent  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never will.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry that it took me a view days to update. I hope everyone's liking it so far. Thanks for the reviews. Please keep it up.  
  
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Abby rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. 3 a.m. Ugh.Why do I have to be hungry now? She thought to herself as she rolled out of bed and put her bathrobe on.  
  
She searched the freezer until she finally found what she had been looking for. A half-pint of Rocky Road ice cream. She pulled a spoon out of the drawer, grabbed the TV remote off of the counter, and collapsed onto the couch. She flipped through the channels until she found something that she wanted to watch. She eventually settled on "When Harry met Sally."  
  
By the time that the movie was over Abby had finished off the last of the ice cream and was exhausted. She switched off the TV, through the empty container of ice cream away, and put the spoon in the sink. By then Abby didn't think she had enough energy to make it back to her bed, and decided not even to try. She laid back down on the couch and pulled the quilt that was hanging over the back of it over her. And there she slept peacefully, until she was woken up by the phone.  
  
"Hello?" She asked, groggily into the receiver.  
  
"Abby Lockhart?" The thick-accented man on the other end of the line asked. Something about the way he had said her name sent chills down her spine.  
  
"Abby Lockhart?" The man asked again, after Abby didn't respond.  
  
"Uh, yes.this is Abby Lockhart. Who is this?" She asked warily.  
  
"You know John Carter?" It was statement more than a question.  
  
"Yes.yes I do." She said, her voice starting to shake. "Is something wrong? Did something happen?" She didn't want the man to drag this out. If something was wrong she just wanted to know.  
  
"I'm very sorry.but the hospital that Dr. Carter was working at was bombed earlier today."  
  
Abby felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her. She couldn't breath. She tried to calm herself down before she tried to speak, but the man on the other end had already answered the question that she had wanted to ask.  
  
"It doesn't appear that there were any survivors."  
  
"Doesn't appear? So that means it's possible?" She asked, with some hope in her voice.  
  
"Ma'am.I'm no expert on this matter, but I've seen the damage. No one that was in that building could have survived."  
  
Abby couldn't believe it. She didn't believe it. Something didn't feel right. Something was telling her not to give up. So she held on tight to what little hope that she had.  
  
"But maybe he wasn't in the hospital when it happened." She told the man on the other line. "Maybe he wasn't there. I mean, that could be the case, couldn't it?"  
  
"I suppose it is possible, but-"  
  
"Right, it's possible."  
  
"Yes, but there was no reason for Dr. Carter to be out of the hospital at that time." The man could hear Abby crying on the other end of line. "But it is possibly, ma'am."  
  
Abby took a deep breath. "Have you identified any of the bodies?"  
  
"No, not yet. We are working on that now." The man paused for a second, and Abby could hear him talking to someone in the background. "Okay, okay." He said to the other man before turning his attention back to the phone. "I'm very sorry Ms. Lockhart, but I have to go. There are other families that we have to inform."  
  
"I understand."  
  
"We will call you when we know more." And with that he hung up, leaving Abby holding the dead phone in her hand. She put it back on the holder and walked over to the kitchen and searched through the cabinets. She wasn't sure what she was looking for until she found it. She pulled out the unopened bottle of scotch and sat it down on the counter. She stood there starring at it for a good minute before she finally opened it and raised the bottle to her mouth. But before she took a drink she noticed the sonogram picture on the table. She let the arm that was holding the bottle fall to her side as she picked up the picture. She leaned against the sink, looking at the little baby that was inside of her. The little baby that may never have a father. The only piece of John that she had left.  
  
She looked down at the bottle once more. She threw it across the room and it smashed into pieces against the wall, spilling the alcohol all over the floor. Abby collapsed to the ground and pulled her knees into her chest, her face buried in them. She rocked back and forth, tears running down her face. She shook her head. This can't be happening. It can't be. She groped in the darkness for any shred of hope that she could find to cling onto. But was left with nothing but broken glass and a broken heart.  
  
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It was 4:30 in the morning and most of the County staff were finishing up their work and preparing to go home.  
  
"Dr. Weaver, Randy just called-" Frank started to tell Kerry before she cut him off.  
  
"If she's trying to get out of her shift today you can tell her to forget about it."  
  
"No, uh.she said that you needed to turn on CNN. Something about Dr. Carter. She sounded pretty upset."  
  
Kerry turned on the TV and the other doctors and nurses, including Susan and Luka, gathered around to see what was going on. When Kerry flipped to CNN the workers were stunned by the image of what appeared on the screen. The destruction to the building had been horrific. But what stunned them the most wasn't the image on the screen, but the headline below it. American doctor, John Carter, believed dead after hospital bombing in Central Africa.  
  
To the doctors and nurses watching, it had seemed like the ER had gone completely silent. The usual noise and commotion that they had come accustomed to had now seemed to fade away, and they were left with nothing but the sound of the reporter's voice.  
  
"If you're just tuning in, what you see behind me is the remains of what once was one of the largest, and busiest, hospitals in Africa. Approximately two hours ago it was hit with what officials believe to be a bomb. There is no word yet of any survivors, and we are estimating the casualties to be anywhere from 2,000 to 3,000. Among them, and American doctor, Dr. John Carter, who was in Africa on a two week missionary. It goes without saying, that we are praying for his safe return, but as you can see behind me, it doesn't appear that anyone could have survived."  
  
"Abby." Susan said, realizing that it was possible that Abby had seen this. She grabbed her coat and headed for the door.  
  
"I'm going with you." Luka replied, as he followed Susan out of the hospital.  
  
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Abby was still on the floor when she heard the phone ring. She made no attempt to answer it, but instead got up and headed for the bathroom. She thought that a shower might calm her down. She stopped when she heard the answering machine kick on.  
  
"Hi. This is Abby's. Please---"  
  
"Hey.I don't get my name on the answering machine?"  
  
"Do you live here?"  
  
"Practically."  
  
"Fine." Abby said, laughing. "This is Abby AND JOHN'S. Please leave us---"  
  
Abby rushed over to the machine and the phone and ripped both of them out of the wall and threw them across the room. But it was already too late. She had heard his voice. And now, she was once again in tears on the floor.  
  
As she broke into sobs, she could hear her cell phone ringing in the other room, and as much as she wanted to go in there and smash that too, she just let it ring.  
  
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The voice mail clicked on.  
  
"It's Abby. Leave me a message." beep  
  
"Abby, it's me. Look, I don't know if you've seen what's going on yet, but I just wanted to tell you not to worry. Everything's okay. I'm.I'm trying my best to get there, but it might take me awhile. I just wanted to tell you not to worry. I'll see you soon."  
  
And with that, John hung up the phone and started home.  
  
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Author's note: Please tell me what you think so far. I am going to try my best to get the next chapter up tomorrow, but if I can't I won't be able to get it up until next weekend. (Unless we get a day off school b/c of the snow.) 


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